There’s just something about food for me that I keep trying to make amends with… but it keeps taking the best of me
Growing up I was never the skinny one, yet I was never the fatty one; I was in between
Which for most people, it wouldn’t be bad… except that most people didn’t grow up where I did
See, when you reach a certain weigh which starts to worry others; those that surround you who are really concerned about you, will make sure to question you as to why you enjoy certain foods that harm your health and your body
You can’t eat a slice of pizza, without having someone counting it and demanding an explanation as to why would you choose pizza over salad
And imagine this happening every single time you eat something “you’re not supposed to” according to others
But here’s the thing… When you face someone who’s never been overweight, they just don’t get it
They don’t know what its like to look at yourself in the mirror and hate the reflection
They won’t understand that whenever you get all dolled up, and you leave your house feeling like the biggest queen; there’s always someone making you feel like the biggest mess, because you took such a big challenge to dress differently in spite of your “condition”
They’ll never know that eating in front of others, scares you; because there’s always someone sitting with you at the table, who will continue questioning it
And they make you lose your identity
And they make you hate yourself for eating something unhealthy, and you end up hating yourself for eating healthy just because of someone else
This circle begins, where there’s no end to it
You start eating in hiding, because is the only way you can eat peacefully; but at such a high cost, because you feel so remorseful
You’re finally eating by yourself, but when you are alone with no one else, you do realize how sick you are
You can’t eat that, that’s so unhealthy and will only help you hate your reflection a hundred times worse
Why are you doing this to yourself? And you cry, and you cry… and you promise yourself tomorrow will be different
And tomorrow, they’ll be there controlling you… And the cycle begins again
Does anybody have the slightest idea as to what it takes to walk out of it?
Nobody can see that the fact that I can’t control my eating habits, it’s the perfect façade as to how lost I am within myself
Nobody can try to see, or ask… they only see you as this irresponsible human being who can’t take care of herself
What would they expect? They took away every shred of confidence, they suck away your happiness
Until the day comes, when you realize they didn’t do anything… They stopped talking years ago, you’re only repeating what you remember, you’re the one hurting yourself beyond repair
Because you’re so used to feel this constant pain, and hatred towards your own self; that you don’t know what to do without it, so you built it yourself
But there’ll always come a day when the pain, will be so much, so big, that you start destroying other parts of yourself
Until, there’ll be nothing left…. There’ll be nothing left
And you won’t have another choice, but to break all those belts that where buckling you in; and try to make amends with food
Because that was the first step towards your own self destruction
And its to hard; it doesn’t matter that I’ve lost all this weight
Now I can’t seem to be friends with it because… what if I get it all back?
Now that I actually love eating healthy, now that I do love salads; now that I do understand what each food is made of
I know the power they have to destroy me once again; yet, the person they’ll destroy will have nothing with that weak spirited one I once was
Yet, what I need to make amends with is the fear… the fear that it doesn’t matter what I do, if I’m not disciplined enough I might go back…
And I have to be happy if that happens, I have to stop connecting happiness with overweigh, because I actually started losing it because I felt happy with myself… physically
Admitting this has been my biggest act of weakness, yet it feels so good to finally let it all out…
Since I’ve tried to explain myself to others, with no result; maybe now that I’m actually rambling with nobody’s interruption… I might break free
Ten-Thirty (AM) 