Breaking Free

I am so afraid to come to terms with all the mistakes I’ve made because of my insecurities, that I don’t even have the courage to write this down with a normal heart beat
All my life I’ve worked rejecting emotions, and since I’ve had to ignore my feelings, I never learned how to understand them
I’m 27 years old, and I have to analyze my reactions, because I refuse to understand or accept the emotion that brought it on
That has been the reason as to why I’m so retarded to even let a crush in
And most of the time, by the time I want them to come in, I’ve already kicked them out
I’ve been so stupid…
And I’ve been so sad, because I’ve been fighting against this huge wall I created against myself
And of course I came to terms with this now, because I’m probably pushing away a great opportunity to let loose for once, and the person who’s made me wake up and see all this
It kills me to know that I’m such a chicken shit because I’m still so insecure
And because I know how he may hurt me, or how I can keep on hurting myself by saying all the wrong things… just like I’ve been doing so far
I don’t… I’m such a mess right now
Everyday I’m dealing with these family issues that brought me here,
everyday I’m fighting, pushing myself to allow me to be happy
To be ME, even if my family won’t agree with it
But it’s so hard… it hurts so much
I’m walking away from all my safety zones, because they were all keeping me back, at bay from myself
And I can’t keep doing this to me
I deserve so much more
I deserve to understand ME, without trying to fit these emotions to the way my family works
It hurts to know that the direction that makes me sane is different than the one that keeps my family sane
But following their steps, adapting my sanity to theirs… has only brought frustration, emptiness, sadness
And I’m through with it
I’m FREE from all chains
And this freedom has me all confused
I don’t know what to do with it
My mind is working a million miles per minute
And I feel so HAPPY
And it is actually all thanks to him
To not thinking and getting myself involved in a situation that made me face my emotional reality; instead of walking away, which is what I’ve been doing… for so long
I’m free, I’m deliciously happy
And since I love me so damn much, I’m ready to be loved the way I’ve always yearned
Even if I don’t know how to let someone love me like that