So, I’m trying to wrap my head around so much right now; I’m not the kind of person to write journals or diaries or anything specific, but right now, I feel there’s something in my chest that won’t come out… And there’s something in my head, that just won’t shut up

Romantically I feel like such a failure; I haven’t allowed anyone completely in my life for the past 10 years… 10 years of rejecting myself to feel anything deep for anybody

10 years ago I gave all I had to someone who didn’t value it; it’s usually hard for me to open up to anybody, but I never meant to fall for him, so I didn’t see a problem in opening in up… But when I did, I let him in and show him the key to destroy me

By then I’ve been involved with other guys; but none had understood me so completely, so perfectly like him

I guess; stupidly; I just closed up… More than I used to

So, whenever someone new came my way; I wouldn’t even try to have feelings for them, we would just go out, hook up and be done by the third month

And it’s so sad… Because I never let anyone else in, I would shut them out before they even knew me; and when it was time for anything more intimate, I would freak the shit out… and ruin it

I’m… I met this awesome man, who literally had every single quality I was looking for; so perfect it was scary; yeah he has this dark family past, but it actually fits perfectly with his personality

And even though I was elated that I finally found someone I could see eye to eye with… Without even thinking about, I freaked out and pushed him out

I guess old habits die hard, because my reflexes did the only thing they’ve done in a decade; push away anyone who’s willing to love me

But then; if he would have been willing to love me as he kept saying, why would he give up so suddenly? Just because I refused to play the game with his own personal rules? I’m supposed to be a part of whatever this was, or was going to be, but I couldn’t have a say in anything… So what? It all came down to what pleased him? To what he wanted? What about what I wanted??

A part of me feels that letting him go was a good thing, because if he couldn’t deal with what it took to be with me, then he didn’t need me; if he wasn’t willing to make sacrifices at the beginning of a very good relationship, what would the rest of it be?

But there’s this other huge part of me that won’t shut up… And I don’t know if it is for him, I don’t know if it because I finally saw the whole picture and realized I’ve been ruining my own fairytales, and I don’t know if it was because I ruined what for a moment I thought would be THE relationship of my life

I’m such a mess, I don’t even miss the guy, the situation angers me beyond anything else… I’m furious at him, I’m mad at myself for been so handicapped to receive love; I’m done with these feeling that I would rather close up myself instead of allowing someone to hurt me; well, pain is part of life… And apparently this guy got to me in a way or another, because he made me realized all of these altogether

I shouldn’t regret the things that never happened; I’ve learned not to regret anything as it is… My heart wasn’t there, so I just couldn’t give as much as he wanted me to give… But how come my heart’s never ready? How come I didn’t even feel a thing while kissing him? How come, being next to him, was like being next to my brother? Feeling nothing but the joy of good company?

I honestly tried; I tried to give all I had to feel something… But he made me feel respect, awe, compassion… never once love

Yet how could I miss the possible feeling? A possible relationship? When the main ingredient wasn’t even there… It looks as if I’m missing what I could have with him as a companion, as a professional support; but I’m not missing a lover, I’m not missing a boyfriend; I’m letting go of what I thought I needed in a man for so long

I’m letting go of this preconceived idea that he had all the qualities I was looking for; yet clearly he missed one, his heart and mine weren’t beating at the same time

I feel as if I’m starting over… He did made me change my perspective, I don’t need a list of qualities anymore though…

All I need is love; someone to love me unconditionally, because he’ll love me for me

And that someone… That is the man I haven’t met yet, and that is the man that I’m missing now