When love is not enough…

 

I’m tired of giving up people, people that I care about more than I’m afraid to admit, and people who love me more than it could possibly be explained

But, when you’re dealing with people who are in pain, who are so sensitive to everything that’s sad and painful around them… They do the only thing that could keep their sanity, they prefer to run away from happiness and peacefulness

See, those concepts are unknown to them, so they don’t know how to be and feel when they finally feel that release, when they finally know that something is good for them, perfect for them

But then they realize that it isn’t good for me, because in the end they’ll hurt me… In the end, they’ll turn against themselves and the one who’ll be affected the most, will be me

And before that happens, they ask me to run away, because they don’t have the strength to leave me with their own two feet

They run away, because they are so used to feeling this self-inflicted pain that for them to hurt themselves some more, it’ll be nothing… But hurting me because of them? Forget about it, it’ll be the end of them

So what do you do? How can you leave them alone? When you’re pretty much the only one who knows the deepness of the struggle? How can you not be there?

But worst of all, how can you be there knowing that you being around only makes it worst for them? And… How can you be supportive, and detach yourself from the feelings that keep growing inside of you?

Feelings that grow, because the deeper you get to know someone you already like, the deeper the connection that ties you to them, the deeper the need to help them, the deeper the desire to be with them… The deeper the feeling of needing to be there, for them, with them

But seeing them in pain, pretty much kills you… It tears you down to pieces, knowing there is nothing in your power you can do to show them the light, wishing upon a star whatever words you say may offer the solace they need… Praying that the fact that they opened up, would be a step towards healing

And all of this before even thinking of being in a relationship with that person… Even though I know for a fact having someone they can trust unconditionally could be the best thing they could face…

But they already know, in the end, it’d be fruitless because they’ll fall back down again, and I’ll be shattered for the weight of the relationship I decided to face, and for the fact that I couldn’t do anything greater to make them heal

Boy is this painful, and difficult, and… Breaks you down in two

I guess I’m just tired of running into men like this, I’m tired of being the one trying to make it work, not believing in giving up… And having them not being strong enough to actually fight for me… At least once

This really tears me apart, and as time goes by, relationships deepen and it gets harder, and harder… Because I can see in their eyes, they don’t want to give up… But they don’t know how to continue

Why would it be that I fall for broken souls? Why?

 

The kind of fear that won’t let you love

You are not afraid of what we could be, you’re afraid of what we are without being anything
It scares you that I can move you without touching you
If terrifies you that I can give you more from afar, than anything she gives you close by
It frightens you so much, that you prefer to give up on me in order to make a living with her
What’s the point in loving each other, when we are not willing to make sacrifices for ourselves
What’s the point of this complicity, if we are not willing to move with it
What was the point of life in putting us in the same way, when we are not willing to live it together
Can you at least tell me, what are we doing tonight yearning from afar?
Why are your arms holding someone else, and what am I going to be looking for in another skin, in another body?
Will you ever let me know?
Will there’d be a day where I can count on being peaceful like this?
Or, will I have to resign myself to live an eternal enigma, just because you’re afraid of being alone with me
Because you know that a simple conversation between us, just won’t do
Because it terrifies you that words are useless, when you and I are alone

Es que te asusta lo que tu y yo somos
No te asusta lo que podemos ser, te asusta lo que somos sin ser nada
Te asusta que te muevo sin tocarte
Te asusta, que te doy más de lejos que lo que ella te da de cerca
Te asusta tanto, que prefieres renunciar a mi y hacer tu vida con ella
De qué nos vale amarnos, si no estamos dispuestos a sacrificarnos
De qué nos vale esta complicidad, si no estamos dispuestos hacerla vibrar
De qué le vale a la vida habernos cruzado en el camino, si no estamos dispuestos a caminarlo juntos
Me puedes decir, qué hacemos esta noche añorándonos de lejos?
Qué haces tu en otro brazos, y que voy a buscar yo en otra piel?
Algún día me dejarás saber?
Algún día tendré las respuestas que me darán la paz que necesito?
O me tendré que resignar a vivir un eterno enigma porque te asusta hablar a solar conmigo
Porque sabes que a solas una conversación no va a existir entre tu y yo
A solas tu y yo, te asusta que las palabras sobran

Breaking Free

I am so afraid to come to terms with all the mistakes I’ve made because of my insecurities, that I don’t even have the courage to write this down with a normal heart beat
All my life I’ve worked rejecting emotions, and since I’ve had to ignore my feelings, I never learned how to understand them
I’m 27 years old, and I have to analyze my reactions, because I refuse to understand or accept the emotion that brought it on
That has been the reason as to why I’m so retarded to even let a crush in
And most of the time, by the time I want them to come in, I’ve already kicked them out
I’ve been so stupid…
And I’ve been so sad, because I’ve been fighting against this huge wall I created against myself
And of course I came to terms with this now, because I’m probably pushing away a great opportunity to let loose for once, and the person who’s made me wake up and see all this
It kills me to know that I’m such a chicken shit because I’m still so insecure
And because I know how he may hurt me, or how I can keep on hurting myself by saying all the wrong things… just like I’ve been doing so far
I don’t… I’m such a mess right now
Everyday I’m dealing with these family issues that brought me here,
everyday I’m fighting, pushing myself to allow me to be happy
To be ME, even if my family won’t agree with it
But it’s so hard… it hurts so much
I’m walking away from all my safety zones, because they were all keeping me back, at bay from myself
And I can’t keep doing this to me
I deserve so much more
I deserve to understand ME, without trying to fit these emotions to the way my family works
It hurts to know that the direction that makes me sane is different than the one that keeps my family sane
But following their steps, adapting my sanity to theirs… has only brought frustration, emptiness, sadness
And I’m through with it
I’m FREE from all chains
And this freedom has me all confused
I don’t know what to do with it
My mind is working a million miles per minute
And I feel so HAPPY
And it is actually all thanks to him
To not thinking and getting myself involved in a situation that made me face my emotional reality; instead of walking away, which is what I’ve been doing… for so long
I’m free, I’m deliciously happy
And since I love me so damn much, I’m ready to be loved the way I’ve always yearned
Even if I don’t know how to let someone love me like that

Don’t you just love people with stories?

There’s just something magical about those who are filled with stories; those who’ve made their lives the dream they always dreamt and took every step and made an adventure of it

There’s just something special about them, right?

I mean, when you sit down with someone who’s chosen to follow a different path than everybody else’s, you’re already in front of greatness because they dared to do the unthinkable; they believed in that impossibility and made it possible; they succeeded against all odds, and they made it better than anybody else

There’s this wisdom that just flows out of them, because they’ve exposed themselves to different places, people and situations; they’ve made big mistakes, but they’ve also made the best decisions in order to be where they are

I’m talking about those that have pushed themselves from the ground; and who understands you for trying to survive like they did, in a place where it’s harder everyday to leave a remarkable mark

Those that need the reading time to find themselves, those who understood that those answers that we seek are within us, and they can only be found in our extremes: when we’re stressed the most, and when we’re relaxed the most

Those who understand the power of the written word, and who feel the emotion conveyed behind each letter

Those… who know how to tell you stories of their own, and make them sound like a fable; those who struggled to be where they are today

Those… those are the best conversations ever held; those are the most interesting people you’ve ever met; those are, the lonely ones who nobody wants to listen speak their true minds out

People pay them to do the best they know how to do; to work; but nobody sits down and listens how they got there, what made them different, what pulled them forward, why they are special

And then, you allow them to speak up from their soul, to describe the magnificence of who they are… And that’s… that’s where the magic happens

Because you see the flaws in that perfected facade; you see the sadness in that practiced smile; you see the struggles in that comfort suit; you feel the pain in that loneliness; you understand the need of affection and the fact that there’s no time to actually show that need

You understand that for you to walk with a man like that, you have to give your life to them, because it’s the only way any kind of relationship will be held; you know that you have to give you aspirations up, so you can both at least keep in touch constantly; and then you also know, that you can’t give up on yourself for a man, and that you won’t find another one as spectacular as the one you’re walking from 

But you know, that there’ll be a time when walking side by side won’t be possible; other responsibilities come along, and others will need to hold your hand, and he won’t be there to hold them with you… 

And in that moment, those magnificent people realize that even though they’ve accomplished all their goals and then some more, they become numb when you have no one to get home to

Because at the end of the day, you don’t need someone to cook for you; you need that someone that sat there and allowed you to read your soul to them, you need the one that walked away, the one that you left

See, those people with stories need to be accompanied by those who have stories of their own; because they’re the ones they can be themselves with, they’re made of the same material, they both connect intellectually in a way no one else does. But the thing is, when you meet someone like that, she won’t settle to be someone else’s company; she’ll have a life of her own, she’ll create her own story

But they’ll always know that each of them have to give in to make it work, but if one them had given up, where would our fearless leaders be now? They’re family suffer the consequences, while we enjoy the benefits

Yes, people with stories are just this magnificent aura you have in your life; but they could also be, this magnificent flash moment that walked into your life and totally tore it apart; because once you meet, at least one with such life, you could never go back; they changed you, they changed your perspective… And left you hanging, waiting for the other spectacular one to pop into your life willing to make it work

The Lack of Understanding of Human Emotions

I want to be friends with food…

There’s just something about food for me that I keep trying to make amends with… but it keeps taking the best of me

Growing up I was never the skinny one, yet I was never the fatty one; I was in between

Which for most people, it wouldn’t be bad… except that most people didn’t grow up where I did

See, when you reach a certain weigh which starts to worry others; those that surround you who are really concerned about you, will make sure to question you as to why you enjoy certain foods that harm your health and your body

You can’t eat a slice of pizza, without having someone counting it and demanding an explanation as to why would you choose pizza over salad

And imagine this happening every single time you eat something “you’re not supposed to” according to others

But here’s the thing… When you face someone who’s never been overweight, they just don’t get it

They don’t know what its like to look at yourself in the mirror and hate the reflection

They won’t understand that whenever you get all dolled up, and you leave your house feeling like the biggest queen; there’s always someone making you feel like the biggest mess, because you took such a big challenge to dress differently in spite of your “condition”

They’ll never know that eating in front of others, scares you; because there’s always someone sitting with you at the table, who will continue questioning it

And they make you lose your identity

And they make you hate yourself for eating something unhealthy, and you end up hating yourself for eating healthy just because of someone else

This circle begins, where there’s no end to it

You start eating in hiding, because is the only way you can eat peacefully; but at such a high cost, because you feel so remorseful

You’re finally eating by yourself, but when you are alone with no one else, you do realize how sick you are

You can’t eat that, that’s so unhealthy and will only help you hate your reflection a hundred times worse

Why are you doing this to yourself? And you cry, and you cry… and you promise yourself tomorrow will be different

And tomorrow, they’ll be there controlling you… And the cycle begins again

Does anybody have the slightest idea as to what it takes to walk out of it?

Nobody can see that the fact that I can’t control my eating habits, it’s the perfect façade as to how lost I am within myself

Nobody can try to see, or ask… they only see you as this irresponsible human being who can’t take care of herself

What would they expect? They took away every shred of confidence, they suck away your happiness

Until the day comes, when you realize they didn’t do anything… They stopped talking years ago, you’re only repeating what you remember, you’re the one hurting yourself beyond repair

Because you’re so used to feel this constant pain, and hatred towards your own self; that you don’t know what to do without it, so you built it yourself

But there’ll always come a day when the pain, will be so much, so big, that you start destroying other parts of yourself

Until, there’ll be nothing left…. There’ll be nothing left

And you won’t have another choice, but to break all those belts that where buckling you in; and try to make amends with food

Because that was the first step towards your own self destruction

And its to hard; it doesn’t matter that I’ve lost all this weight

Now I can’t seem to be friends with it because… what if I get it all back?

Now that I actually love eating healthy, now that I do love salads; now that I do understand what each food is made of

I know the power they have to destroy me once again; yet, the person they’ll destroy will have nothing with that weak spirited one I once was

Yet, what I need to make amends with is the fear… the fear that it doesn’t matter what I do, if I’m not disciplined enough I might go back…

And I have to be happy if that happens, I have to stop connecting happiness with overweigh, because I actually started losing it because I felt happy with myself… physically

Admitting this has been my biggest act of weakness, yet it feels so good to finally let it all out…

Since I’ve tried to explain myself to others, with no result; maybe now that I’m actually rambling with nobody’s interruption… I might break free

There’s so much emotion out there; and at the same time, there are so many unexplainable feelings inside

It is unbelievable that whenever you define this demons that have been haunting you for as long as you can remember; you break something within yourself that doesn’t know how to work without that pain, without that emptiness inside

It keeps asking you, demanding you to bring that piece of you that wasn’t complete back… to break you once more, once you finally managed to tape yourself back together

There’s this hole, that should be a positive hole within, that I don’t know how to fill… exposing me to everybody’s feelings, making me a subject of somebody else’s broken’ess, relishing my pieces by destroying them, into crumples of a soul that once existed

Pain can do that, pain can break you again just because it can’t see you complete without it; it has to bring back all that remorse, all that shame, insecurities; because once you take them all out, once you’re finally able to breath without this pressure in your chest; pain claims you as if you are its own

It brings back things that where meant to be perfectly packed in the past, that weren’t meant to affect anymore; but since there’s this hole, everything hurts in a far deeper way than it did before it was cured

Pain won’t let you breath, it won’t let you be at peace; because why would it? If you’re at peace, it means that you’re healed from all the damage that has been done to you

How can I teach myself not to let the pain come in? When I feel so exposed to anything, when I feel so secure of my own self, when everything shines brighter because my soul perceives it with brand new eyes

Sadness won’t possess me anymore, shame won’t claim me, insecurity won’t return; so how come pain still lives in there?

All these emotions are drowning me in this sea that I can’t swim out of, it’s like these waves are always rolling me deeper into the void, into darkness, and whenever I’m close to walk out of it, it swallows me whole again; slapping me again and again and again and again

This reconstruction of my being is tearing me apart piece by piece; being happy doesn’t have to hurt, but if happiness was never an option, how could it not hurt?

Moving on from who you were to who you are, trusting yourself enough to not give a care about anyone else, takes its toll in you; I don’t know how to be like this, I don’t know how to live with this… hole that can be filled with all that is good

Yet, in spite of the pain, in spite of all this confusion of all this fog that surrounds my being; it feels soo good, so deliciously amazing

It feels that I don’t have to hide behind any unnecessary insecurity anymore; because I am at peace with who I am, with what I do and with what I say; but it so hard to get used to this old feelings that where hiding because it was easier to hurt myself, before I heard what my heart had to say

It feels so awesome, yet is also feels like I’m mourning who I was, like I’m giving up this piece that offered me solace when nothing else did; it feels as if I’m burying this part that I never thought would be eliminated, because I was way too deep on my comfort zone

I… I need to accept that happiness is the healthiest path to a peaceful life, a peaceful soul; and it is only then that I’ll let my ferocious creativity run free

In order for me to be fearless… I need to be brave with my life, with my emotions, with the way I express myself in every single part of it

I need to learn that, standing up to myself shouldn’t make me feel as if I’m offending the other person; I am offending myself when I let someone else step over me!!

This requires so much effort, so much emotional strength that I never thought I needed… there’s this braveness that I need to fight easiness, because I’m talking about my soul, my essence… not about something as ephemeral as my looks, I’m working on me… ME

 My heart won’t stop beating like crazy, my anxiety is at a peak; and I have no idea how I will come out of this… I only know, that if my heart is dying to get out of my chest, if I’m excited, nervous, ecstatic, I am living, I am experiencing this part of myself that I never knew was there, I’m going through a new life, a new me… without facing the physical changes on this side of the coin

I need to embrace this, embrace me… Because it isn’t easy to look at your naked self in the mirror, and realized that those flaws that have been bugging you since you can remember, are the ones that created those big mistakes that you allowed yourself to be defined by… and to, on top of it all, dig deeper into your soul to understand what part of your identity allowed so much pain in, and why was letting alll that negativity in was an option in the first place

It isn’t easy to try to fix them, to accept how wrong you’ve been, to understand that those characteristics that defined you where just props in which you’ve been hiding yourself so you won’t have to face the exhilarating happiness that being you brings out

It isn’t easy to turn your life around… But boy is it worth it… oh yeah it is… Even if I am going through this crazy phase, of which I understand nothing of, I wouldn’t go back for a second

Back From The Future

I’m home on a Sunday afternoon reading a book, when I hear a knock on my door. I find it weird, because I live away from everyone and the only ones who actually visit are my closest friends and family, and none of them have called to drop by. As I open the door, I see a man in his late twenties looking at me, staring at me in awe. He’s dressed with a really weird outfit, he has a long cloak; even though is extremely hot outside; over this pants that look like jeans but are made of a fabric I’ve never seen before, and a white shirt.

He has an old picture in his hand, and he continues to look at the picture and then look at me, ever since that knock on the door I am uncomfortable, so I just say:

– I guess you may be lost, I’m sorry I was busy, goodbye – and I immediately try to close the door as fast as I can.

– No! Wait, don’t… I’m sorry, I just… I can’t believe it worked… – he continues to stare at me dumbfounded, and looks at his picture again.

I just stare at him really mad, about to close the door in his annoyingly familiar wide nose, when he laughs and says – I guess it doesn’t matter how many years have gone by, you still have that same look when you’re about to either lecture me or try to kick my butt.

I just ignore his laugh and comment, and simply say – You’re definitely confused, I have never seen you before nor do I have any idea as to who you are; again, as I said I’m very busy, so goodbye.

He’s clearly not surprised anymore, but he just looks at me and says – I know you’re not busy, you’re reading; probably The Little Prince for the hundredth time in your life. Even though your book time should never be interrupted, you’re not working, so as far as I’m concerned, you’re not busy.

Now I’m the one who’s shocked, I am reading The Little Prince, for the hundredth time; but how does he even know? Nobody knows what I’m doing… nobody knows how much I re-read this book… How…? What…? He knows my book time is not allowed to be interrupted…? Yeah, and I’ve never seen him…

– I’m sorry, but… Uuum… – I scratch the back of my head, really uncomfortable now – But, who are you?

– Yeah… I don’t know how to say this without sounding a bit crazy; but, can we go inside or something? – he says.

– No, you’re not going into my house – I say, with finality.

– Fine, I would expect that – he sits in this rocking bench that I have in my front porch – Ok, I don’t know how to begin, given that I never would have thought this could actually work, but… ok, I’m Tadeo, your grandson.

At first I just stare at him dumfounded, because he really has been making comments as if he really knew me; then I laugh, and I can’t stop; this guy’s really onto something – Unju, yeah… So you’re my grandson, and I’ve never had a child in my life; how could I not trust you? – and I laugh again.

– You can look at this picture that I brought with me – he says, very seriously.

Curious, I agree nodding my head. It’s a picture of a woman and baby, probably a grandmother with her grandson. As I really start looking at the old picture, paying close attention I freeze. The woman could definitely be my older twin; if I ever had one. She’s very happy, with short black hair cut in a bob; you can tell is turning gray; she has marks in her face, but still looks beautiful, with big brown eyes looking adoringly into the eyes of this beautiful baby, I look into the back of the picture and someone hand wrote “Tadeo’s first week – July 13th, 2040.”

– That was our first pic together… – he speaks very calmly, trying to asses my mood. I’m just numb, then shocked… then in denial.

– This can’t be, what are you talking about…? – I say.

He interrupts me – I brought another one, we took it last week.

He hands it to me, it is a picture of his grandmom’s 80th birthday… Or should I admit, my 80th birthday? My hair is completely gray, and even though I have marks in my face, there aren’t as much as an usual eighty year olds; the cake is huge, with candles that shine so bright, that looking at them through the picture hurts. And of course, he’s right next to me hugging me, the same man that stands right in front of me now. 

As I’m about to argue the impossibility of it all, something in the picture catches my eye. In the back of the room where we’re hugging, there’s a cabinet filled with old objects, but on top of it there’s a huge book-holder with at least fifty books stuck with each other, it’s obvious they don’t fit. But the part that surprised me, was that, it is the same book-holder my parents made for my first birthday; made specially for me; and I’ve always kept it as my treasure. Because it reminds me how my adoration for books began even before I was born, it reminds me how my mom and dad made it with their own hands, as their special little project, just for me. It is a reminder of passion and love. Which also happens to define the way I perceive books.

I didn’t notice I brought the picture so close to my face, I almost smelled the ink. But then, when I look up, Tadeo is staring at me, as if understanding what I just saw. So he says, very slowly:

– It is the same book-holder, the one you’ve had ever since you’re one. – He takes advantage of my hesitation, of the fact that I forgot how to speak to add, quickly – Please Nana, you’ve got to believe. I don’t think I have that much time, but I promised you I was going to make it, I was going to come back to this day… Today specifically.

I’m able to slip out – What…?

He stands up so he’s looking right into my eyes, looking at me with the same big brown eyes that I have – Look, you have this date tonight with this guys that you don’t like, well of course you don’t, he’s a jerk; he’s going to ruin you tonight, he’s had it for you just because you’ve been rejecting him all this time, and now that you actually agreed just to get him off your back, he’s going to make you pay.

Since a part of my brain never believed him, not even when I saw the pictures, I don’t know how to process this now. He’s right, I have a date tonight with the most persistent and obnoxious guy I know, I only agreed to go out with him to prove that nothing is ever going to happen between us, to prove it to him and to me. And it’s true, there’s something off about him; he’s always given me this dangerous vibe, but dangerous in a really bad way.

Tadeo continues – I know you don’t trust him, so follow your gut and stay home.

– How would you know any of this? If any of the things you are saying are true, why would I confide in a grandchild with all this personal stuff? – I demand.

– Because you’ve been my mommy, you and I are always going to be together; my Nana never disappoints anyone, let alone me. And even though you’d never admit it, I am your favorite – he says very naturally.

And I can totally understand why I would make him my favorite, there’s something about Tadeo that makes you want to trust him. But I still have my doubts. Tadeo looks back, and looks really nervous now, and says:

– I ran out of time, I’m still perfecting my time traveling techniques, and this is the first time I’ve really done it – he says proudly. – Please, don’t go. I love you Nana – and he starts walking the downstairs.

He stops on the way, and says – By the way, grandpa has been right all along; you really are absolutely gorgeous – and he disappeared behind the bushes.

I didn’t see nor did I listened to a sound, but curiosity got the best of me, and I check behind the bushes. There’s nothing, not even a sign of something ever happening there. Did I imagine it? But I couldn’t imagine looking at my eyes in that guy’s face. And the way he seemed to know about the book-holder, and my plans for the night. I hadn’t told anyone about that date, my friends would flip; but I just want to get it over with.

The rest of the afternoon I try go back to the book, but I keep on remembering the pictures, and wondering; could it all be true? If so, I am only starting to grasp the meaning of it all. I’m going to grow old. I’m going to have a family. I’m going to have a grandson who cares enough about me to protect me; from a rape I assume. 

I’ve been so worried about my future, about the fact that I have so much to give, that I have so many people to meet; that I hadn’t thought how it would all really fall back together. This gives me some sort of peace of mind, and at the same time, it upsets me.

From now on, I am only going to be looking for that happiness that came from those pictures, that’ll be my mission now. And I wouldn’t have to expect any of it if this Tadeo hadn’t walked into my life. Now, I don’t even know what I’ll do… I am actually considering staying home… I can’t believe myself.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I sit on a bench behind a tree on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant I was supposed to have a date; I decided to get dressed and check it out. If something is amiss, I’ll leave; if nothing seems suspicious, then I’ll just excuse myself for being late. 

It’s been 20 minutes, and just when I decide to cross the street to go there, given that he’s been very impatient; a very tall and muscular guy approaches him, they have a heated conversation, look out to a car that is parked in the curve, with three other guys. The fact that he’s alone upsets this new guy, and they start arguing. The manager of the restaurant asks them to leave.

As I saw this, I walked back to the safety of the tree; and just see them leave in the car. I just stay hidden behind the tree, looking at the empty street, trying to understand; so Tadeo was right in the end. At that moment, I feel someone approaching and I tensed; but I was sure I saw the car leave for good. But then I look up, and calm myself.

– Hey Lina – Joseph says, he has to be one of my oldest friends, and we’ve kept this really sincere friendship towards each other, even though we only keep in touch monthly, tops – What’s wrong?

I smile, and hug him; relieved to feel comfort. Then I look at him, and I can’t believe my eyes; his nose, that’s Tadeo’s nose; as wide as can be. I laugh and just say – Nothing, afraid of the dark I guess.

He hugs me one more time, and we start walking to that restaurant to sit and talk; for the rest of my life I guess.

Do you know what it’s like to be heartbroken?

Why am I missing you, when you just walked away without caring how disheveled you left me

Why am I holding on to you, when you’re the reason I don’t even feel like I have a heart anymore

 

How could you still hurt me, when I haven’t heard from you

Why does your absence kills every piece of my heart that was left?

 

I have to stop this, stop giving you all this power over me; but how can I? When I love everything that you are, when I love everything that you gave me; when you read me, and you still know how to stay present when you’re not

Do you know what its like to be heartbroken?

 

It is to be empty, to have this void controlling your whole self

It is to be incomplete, to know that he’s moving on without you, and you have to stand by watching, pretending to be happy for him; when all it does, is tear you apart, piece by piece, until there’s nothing left… there’s nothing left, but pain, and this delicious love that’s no longer there

 

But if there’s something I know, is that my heart is a masochist

My heart can see that he doesn’t miss me, my heart can feel the physical pain it causes to keep him present in my life

 

Yet my heart chooses to hold on; to hold on to that hope to that dream I once held

To that dream, he once made me see; the one he insisted where he saw me with him forever

 

How can I feel love for someone who have caused so much pain

Who keeps on hurting, just because he’s not here

 

Who chose to give up on me, just because I refused to play his game on something stupid

Who chose to walk away not talking, when it could have been fixed in a five minute conversation

Who I was so blind to accept how deep I was in love, and who only made me see it now that he’s gone

I’m telling you, it feels like this ache is never, ever, ever going away

 

Like there’s a piece of me that I’m leaving wherever I go, whatever I do… There’s this need to be with someone, but I want him

I want him…

 

And it hurts even more the fact that I shouldn’t want him, he doesn’t deserve me

He doesn’t deserves this pain, my heart shouldn’t be breaking thinking of his lips, his touch, his strength, his presence, when he was everywhere and he was everything good

 

I… My body remembers him so strongly, so, so real; that waking up alone, without his touch, his message, his voice, just brings this new wave of panic for forgetting, and then just leaves this numbness

And I am so grateful for this void, because at least when I’m numb I’m not feeling anything, nothing matters anymore, nothing emotional, nothing physical; and if I have to go back to that pain, I take this emptiness a thousand times over the feeling of my heart falling apart

 

Because the pain, the pain has memory and it remembers all the good things with such force, that it only ends up breaking me more; taking me deeper than I’ve ever known, taking me to places that I thought where too dark to travel, but that’s the only place left to go, when you have nothing left to fight for

I never thought I’d be one of these depressive kind of people; it turns out, I’d never met anyone who could give me so much and take it away so fast, so rudely, so… 

 

How could you have given me the world, and take it away from me as if nothing ever happened

How could you… how dare you cause me so much pain without intending to mend it

 

I don’t even hope on going back to being the person I was before, what for?

That person brought me to you, and I don’t want to be brought to anyone who resembles you

 

I only long to feel whole for once, to feel something other than this pain, this hurt, this destruction, this void, this emptiness, to be able to feel content at the least

And nobody knows, and why would they?

 

So it’s just me, with myself and I fighting to forget you… Trying to keep you… 

I sill don’t know which of those two will survive, and it scares the shit out of me

 

I should know better, I should feel that I have to kick you out my system

Because if I don’t, I’ll take you back in a second, so I can continue my road down to hell

 

So whatever is left of me, can be burned